All posts tagged food

Public Holiday Surcharges

With an economy built on low-margin exports such as dairy, freedom camping and the haka, New Zealand workers earn among the lowest wages in the first world. Sadly, they don’t even compare that well with workers in the second or third world either. A middle-class Nigerian, on a basic internet scammer’s salary, probably has a better chance of paying back his student loan before the age of retirement, than does the average Kiwi graduate.

But on the positive side – and an asset which is more prominently featured in tourist and immigration brochures than the low average wage or high rates of aggravated assault – New Zealand does have a lot of quite nice cafes, bars and restaurants.

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Scroggin

Scroggin is the Kiwi word for Trail Mix: a combination of fruits, nuts and chocolate eaten by trampers for rapid sustenance.

Easy to make, it is popular with children and wiry, bearded old men – the sort who spend many days at a time in the forest, trapping possums and disposing of bodies, and are therefore unlikely to have wives at home to make them sandwiches.

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Spirulina

Mmm, aren't I lucky? I got a chunky bit.

Aren’t I lucky, I got a chunky bit.

The phrase “clean, green New Zealand” does not, as is often mistakenly suggested, refer to our high standard of environmentalism. Far from it, in fact. Nor does it refer to the colour of our deepening national envy for Australia.

It refers, rather, to the state of our healthy, if oddly coloured, collective colon.

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Sushi

"I told you it was undercooked.."

"I told you it was undercooked.."

New Zealand is situated on the Asia-Pacific Rim and, by drawing on it’s geographical and historical culinary influences, has adopted a unique style of fusion dining, fashionably known as ‘Asian Rimming’.

And by far and away the most popular of all the Asian Rim foods, since it’s introduction in the 80s,  is Sushi.
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The Sausage Sizzle

Sorry mate, you can't park there.

Sorry mate, you can't park there.

New Zealand Crown Law1 permits only one mode of fundraising for charityb.  To collect money for, say, a new Surf Lifesaving clubhouse, or indoor toilets at a local primary school, organisations must set up a barbecue at a busy Saturday shopping location and sell fried meaty logs to an unsuspecting public.

Colloquially, this is known as a Sausage Sizzle.

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Meticulous Bill Splitting

Man in straightjacket models latest hat for short people.

Doctor models new hat for short people. Still has to stand up to be noticed.

Few moments in New Zealand life are more uncomfortable, than the arrival of the bill at the end of a group meal.

Kiwis are inherently programmed to try to make everything in life as ‘fair’ as possible.  So the thought of simply dividing the tab, evenly, by the number of people present, fills the average Kiwi with the sort of confusion and terror normally reserved for an All Blacks v France Rugby World Cup match.

Which makes squaring up the tab in New Zealand, one of the most difficult, most convoluted group agreements to reach, since the David Bain jury. Both of them.

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Vogels Bread

If bread had a gender, Vogel's would be a real man.

If bread had a gender, Vogel's would be a real man.

Vogel’s Bread is a Kiwi enigma. Part bread, part muesli, and part vegetarian meatloaf.

Abandoned on a desert island with but one choice of food, most New Zealanders could survive for years, quite happily, on nothing more than Marmite on generously buttered Vogel’s toast.

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Tomato Sauce

Would you like some fries with that?

Would you like fries with that?

Nobody eats more ketchup than the Kiwis. It’s true. And not just ‘per capita‘ either, for real.

Whether it’s a result of  growing up being spoon fed sentimental pap by Watties’ TV commercials, or simply our national tendency towards a Pie-based food pyramid,  Kiwis consume, on average, 3 times their body weight in tomato sauce every year*.

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The Flat White

Nothing too fancy, thanks. Mate.

Nothing too fancy, thanks, mate.

Most countries in the world like coffee.  But only New Zealand actually wants to marry it.

Formerly a nation of PG Tips and Nescafe drinkers, around the late 1980s to early 90s, Kiwis embraced coffee hard.  The real-coffee revolution started with young, urbane women and gentlemen considered ‘light of foot‘, but it wasn’t until the invention of the Flat White – half way between a Cafe Latte and a Cappuccino, only minus the effete European name (a coffee, in other words, that no-nonsense Kiwi men could at last order in public without fear of sounding ‘like a bloody shirt-lifter’) – that our national obsession really took off.

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Tapas

Half as nice, at twice the price

Half as nice, at twice the price

A recent addition to the bar menus of most New Zealand cities, it seems Kiwis have gone a bit mental for small plates of food that don’t quite fill you up, but somehow end up costing just as much as a regular meal.

Not to be confused with the original Spanish tapas, which is usually a plate of over-salted patates braves or slices of roadkill chorizo, given away free in bars to keep the customers drinking, and ward off the flies.

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Georgie Pie Nostalgia

Really?

Really?

Georgie Pie – New Zealand’s own answer to McDonalds, featuring meat pies instead of burgers – began life in the 70s. But in the early 1990s, a ‘perfect storm’ of events significantly boosted the fortunes of the company, triggering a rapid over-expansion of franchises which, like all great empires, eventually caused the company to implode.

And even though Georgie Pie is also the single biggest contributing factor to an alarming rise in teenage bowel cancer during the same period1, Kiwis, particularly late 20s and thirty somethings, still get all misty eyed at it’s memory, and fall over themselves in support of any to bring it back. So why is this?

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