The alternative Kiwipedia
No worries, mate.
There is no winter in New Zealand, apparently. To admit otherwise, is to admit that this is not the tropical paradise our forebears anticipated when they emigrated here, which conflicts sharply with the Kiwi need for constant, positive reassurance, and is deeply unpatriotic. And probably a little racist.
A model of good town planning.
Auckland. City of JAFAs (which we are reliably informed stands for ‘Joy! Another friendly Aucklander!’). A temperate climate, plenty of nice beaches, 2 harbours, and just enough going on to feel like you’re not quite dying in the cultural doldrums of the world.
So why, then, does everybody in New Zealand, even, sometimes, those who live in the city, hate Auckland so much?
Guaranteed no less than 2/3 Kiwi
The number of Kiwis who really make an impression on the world’s stage, in any given generation, can usually be counted on one hand. And yet, as a nation, we are so eager for high achieving celebrities who will put New Zealand on the map.
It is easy, therefore, to understand the pain felt by every New Zealander when, as often happens, yet another of our most cherished, internationally famous actors/musicians/filmmakers/sports stars is mistakenly referred to as an Australian.
Correcting these mistakes is a legal obligation of every New Zealander, under the Treaty of Waitangi.
Pie chart of a typical New Zealand statistic
With the exception of New Years Day on the Millennium, and the climbing of Mount Everest, New Zealand has never really been the first at anything. In fact, it’s unlikely we’ve ever even been in the top ten. We simply lack the population to, say, win all the gold medals at the Olympics, or become the worlds biggest consumer of pitted olives.
But, by a clever manipulation of the statistics, we can put ourselves firmly at (or near) the top of any international pissing contest. The importance of this, towards alleviating our deep national fear of being ‘basically irrelevant’ to the rest of the world, should not be underestimated.
Show them where you're from.
Nothing informs the world of wearer’s modest Kiwi patriotism better than a printed T-Shirt with words or images cleverly rearranged into the shape of New Zealand. Ironic, then, that 99% of these are worn exclusively in this country only.
It is simply not on.
Irony has often been a bit of a struggle for Kiwis. We have a hard time making fun of ourselves. About the only thing more unbearable, is when other people make fun of us. That is simply not on.
Do they know who we are yet?
Few phrases, uttered by respected international media pundits, excite Kiwis more than; “This will really put New Zealand on the map…”
Long hiding in the geographical and cultural shadow of Australia (the 1980s, at the peak of ‘Crocodile Dundee-mania’, was a particularly dark time for New Zealand), Kiwis are forever searching for people, ideas or events to support – sometimes to the point of scary, national obsession – which might truly focus the eyes of the world onto our fledgling, self-conscious islands.
A book of stuff you don't own.
Nobody actually eats Hokey Pokey Ice Cream, and they certainly don’t buy it from a Four Square. Watties’ Tomato Sauce tastes like bubble gum, and comes from Australia anyway. The Buzzee Bee is a shit toy – kids today just want to shoot hookers, in 47 inch plasma hi-definition, on Grand Theft Auto III.
Kiwiana, therefore, is not the love of any actual objects. It is, rather, the love of nostalgia towards objects most of us no longer give a toss about.
Identity Anxiety.
Closely linked with ‘Taking Ourselves Seriously‘, a trait unique to the Kiwi psyche is the need for constant, positive reinforcement about just how great a country it is. This is probably because, deep down, most Kiwis have a niggling fear that it might actually be a bit shit.
Other People’s Shit