"...and then you plant the drugs when she's not watching, like so."
For a country whose primary export is Tourism, New Zealand sure has some clever ways to stop people getting in.
Of course, if there is an irony to New Zealand’s obsession with border control, it is this; arrive at Auckland airport wearing a Burqa and waving a Semtex-smeared copy of the Holy Qur’an, and you’ll be sunning your barely-exposed ankles on Piha beach within the hour. But try to sneak in the un-eaten half of a croissant the airline gave you for breakfast, and expect to be deported to Afghanistan quicker than you can say ‘Death to the Infidels’.
So how did New Zealand come to have such a pedantic and meddling customs service, in the absence of any real threats to our national security?
For a proper explanation, we must first consider the unspoken rule of membership to the OECD, which is that member nations are required to prove that their country is so prosperous, so damn sexy to the peoples of the undeveloped world, that they must, quite literally, beat them back with a shitty stick.
Hence the border services of USA, Australia, Germany, France & Italy, which are assaulted daily by a seemingly endless tide of illegal migrant workers and suicidal religious extremists. Good reason, in other words, for all the metal detectors, finger print scans, and hordes of volunteer armed rednecks patrolling the borders. All of which contributes toward making the modern experience of entering these countries at best, scary, and at worst, humiliating. But, as you come away sore (or soiled), you can at least console yourself in the knowledge that there some basis for their unfriendly levels of customs security.
When it comes to our fair islands, however, even the Mexicans have done the math, working out that there is more money to be made tossing tortillas in Tijuana, than by taking the average desk job in New Zealand.
And when you can’t even count on the Mexicans to flood your illegal labour market, who does that leave?
Which is why, in yet another case of keeping up with the Jones, New Zealand has had to ‘cook the books’, if you will – turning an otherwise slow trickle of trainspotters, bungee-jumping German backpackers, and Lord of The Rings nutters, into a ‘clear and present immigration and bio-security threat‘, by inventing a clever, if confusing, series of security checks, customs documentation and landing card forms.
It’s basic bouncer logic. Make the punters queue outside your empty nightclub, and people will believe it’s cool. Effective, but oh so lame.
To give you an example, the following are actual questions1 taken from a NZ Customs landing card survey. For sake of authenticity, try not to sleep for 46 hours before answering them, and, if you get one wrong, ask a complete stranger to insert something cold and rubbery someplace where the sun doesn’t frequently shine, then slap you with a $600 fine;
- Have you, or haven’t you, not never recently been, or not been, in contact with with farm animals? (Yes or no. Or yeahnah.)
- At which port did you board this aircraft? (Trick question, only boats use ports, idiot.)
- Which countries have you visited in the last six months?
- Which countries haven’t you visited in the last six months? (There’s 195 in the world2, so don’t leave any out, or else…*sound of snapping rubber*)
- Is Crowded House an Australian or New Zealand band?
- Is Russel Crowe an Australian or New Zealand actor? (Double trick question, both countries have officially disowned him. Plus he’s not an actor, he’s a dick.)
- What is the square root of 3237899?
- Are you trafficking any illegal drugs? (Well you would tell us if you were, wouldn’t you?)
- Are you carrying more than $5000 in cash?
- If the answer to the previous question was ‘Yes’, do you promise to spend it on Chinese made soft-toy Kiwis, plastic Tikis and T-shirts that say “I went to Rotorua, and all I got was this T shirt (to cover the 3rd degree burns I sustained after falling in a boiling hot mud-pool)”..?
To further add to the cultural cringe, in the good old Kiwi spirit of egalitarianism (and also smacking just a little of Tall Poppy Syndrome), NZ Customs takes an almost gleeful pride in treating every visitor – regardless of profile or celebrity status – with the same parochial authoritarian tone. As in; “Look, now, you may be a big deal up in London, Mr Jagger, but you’re in New Zealand now, so quit whinging and bend over.”
Unless, that is, you are a suspected terrorist, where, far from being unwelcome, you may be positively encouraged. But there is a catch…
As a condition of entry, you must let Dave Dobbyn dedicate at least one song to you. In public. Preferably at some manner of ‘Benefit Concert’. And a real celebrity studded, orgy-of-smugness, one at that.
Given a choice between that, and returning to the water boarding and 2 by 2 cages of Guantanamo, it is worth noting that a small (but not insignificant) number of terrorist refugees have chosen the latter.
It’s only a shame the rest of us can’t too.
1 – The actual-ness off of these questions can not be guaranteed.
2 – 194 countries if you don’t recognise Israel You know who you are ..Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
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There is a serious hot debate these days and a lot of heated up views as to whether or otherwise not to get your ##keyword## . When you understand it? Precisely what factors in case you consider prior to making the decision? The goal of this post is in order to consider the good qualities, cons and also alternatives you’ve.
The departure tax is, of course a payment for the priveledge of using the Airport, but has been hijacked by governments as a form of stealth tax. I don’t mind so much the hoo-hah getting into the country, but it annoys the f**k out me to have to line up for hours to get OUT. The only purpose of this, it seems to me is to allow WINZ to send you a letter charging you interest on your student loan, 10 seconds after you’ve taken off.
@above
I’ve travelled the world and can confirm that New Zealand customs takes three times longer than anywhere else. As for the EU? That’s as easy to get into as Waikato University.
I am addicted to wanking.
Oh and um yeah, yup you know.
I am addicted to wanking.
Oh and um yeah, yup you know.
wow “who cares” you really dont get comedy do you?!?!?
maybe you should re-read the “taking ourselves seriously” post!
They burnt my 3 year old daughter beloved dora-the-explorer wellies (gummies) because they had dirt on them.
Meanwhile 300 other Brits walked past in dirty shoes.
I said I’d put them on her feet if that helped, but alas the incinerator was already fired up.
Wrong – departure taxes stopped ages ago. You’re FREE to leave anytime you care …. LOL
I last left NZ in April this year and definitely had to pay departure tax (and friends just came over in July and had to pay it!)
Wrong – you do have to pay departure tax ($25 from Wellingotn), LOL
classic stuff – welcome to new zealand, a country thats so great we tax you if you try and leave!!!
nothing says happy end to your holiday like a departure tax!
For heavens sake. NZ is made up of islands and stopping any diseases, foreign moths, agriculture diseases etc is taken very seriously.
Ever gone thru a German border or from Mexico to USA? Now that is a scary experience.
I don’t give a toss what NZ border control does to keep unwanted ‘anything’ out of here . . .
I have travelled to many countries and consider Auckland Airport and NZ border control to be harmless and relatively easy.
Good to know. I am a bit terrified to come to NZ (I’m from the US and checking out the universities for grad school).
But then again, I did go to Canada sans proper documentation over my spring break. I thought I was in the right as the US Dept of Homeland Security website was rather unclear about what documents you actually needed before all the passport fuckery went into effect. So I argued on that point with the Canadian guard and he let me in with only my drivers license. I should also mention that my fellow travelers were all from different states and two of them were “mad fucken stoned” during these proceedings but had nothing on them. Upon re-entry, the US border guards informed me that I had been in the great land to the north illegally the entire time and should not have been let in at all, so technically I invaded a country on my spring break trip. I am nothing if not persuasive. Fun times.
I think I’ll prepare better when I travel to antipodium, though.
So I’m interested in how it went for you!? I’m also in the US and thinking of coming to NZ.
Got swine flu yet? Taken your dog or kids to a North Shore beach recently? Whitetail spiders didn’t get in on the mud of someone’s boot.
Your first sentence had a minor point. The rest of what you had to say made me think of this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentrism
Just knowing that you care enough to comment, really boosts my ego.
For that, I would like to thank you.
I would also like to thank myself.