A book of stuff you don't own.
Nobody actually eats Hokey Pokey Ice Cream, and they certainly don’t buy it from a Four Square. Watties’ Tomato Sauce tastes like bubble gum, and comes from Australia anyway. The Buzzee Bee is a shit toy – kids today just want to shoot hookers, in 47 inch plasma hi-definition, on Grand Theft Auto III.
Kiwiana, therefore, is not the love of any actual objects. It is, rather, the love of nostalgia towards objects most of us no longer give a toss about.
Tied in with the Kiwi desire for Positive Identity Reinforcement, borne of a young nation, desperately low on history or a sense of place in the world, New Zealanders habitually apply exaggerated meaning to the few, locally produced, trinkets that the rest of the world weren’t interested in buying off us.
Furthermore, with one of the lowest average wages in the OECD, and in the absence of even one IKEA store, Kiwiana allows New Zealanders to decorate their homes & baches with cheap junk from the car boot sale, and call it Kitsch. Any debate about poor taste, or lack of style, is silenced by default, on the grounds that it is actually a critism of the entire Kiwi way of life, and therefore unpatriotic, and possibly even racist.
Advertisers are deft at capitolising on this national sense of icon insecurity, by marketing average (Watties), inferior (Lion Red), or sometimes even foreign (McDonalds Kiwiburger) products, with a slogan along the lines of ‘If you were a real Kiwi, you would buy it’. Invariably, the product sells out, as hoardes flock to the shops in a panic to be ‘more Kiwi than every other cunt’.
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The following time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I really thought youd have something attention-grabbing to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you can fix should you werent too busy on the lookout for attention.
i like my country dis it all u like but we stand tall and stright cause we respect or counrty/city
Hi Selwyn Great site.
Kiwiana what a typically arrogant pakeha made up term,(lets put some Maori wording in there to sound cultured) reminds me of the ‘Chainui Tea’ recently launched on the networks- (New Zealanders Tea).
Hybrid, a typical self loathing racist maori, for the book to be true kiwiana it would need a bit of maori culture eh? Kiddy bashing, wife beating, dole bludging, drunk, work shy, mulleted, stinking, thieving, raping, murder and general arrogant racism towards all who are not maori.
Funny you say maori wording?? Words, written language was beyond the stone age mentality of maori until Europeans arrived and shared 1000s of years of advanced culture.
Lastly there is the “hand out” true maoriana.
Hi there I am Katie and I love Fraser McDonald because of his small penis <3
actually watties does taste really bad and hockey pockey is not a very good ice cream.
i guess most kiwis just think this is good cause most have not been out of nz yet. there’s a very strong monopoly of products in nz so most of us here never get to get a taste of products from other parts of the world which are actually better tasting that what we are used to..so before you guys say that hockey pockey and watties are the best..go on your OE first and try what the world has to offer.
and then you can say that the monopoly of goods in nz is serving us substandard crap at a rather high price.
Haha is your name a play on your real name – Selwyn Toogood? Or however you spell it?…… talk about 2 degrees of freedom – oh wait, thats another kiwi icon – hahahahahahahaha
Also, not to be profilling you or anything, but it would make sense if you wer him – becos you come across as a guy who thinks cos hes a bit older than your average, that you’ve got a leg above eveyone else – that you know a few most somethings about nothing, but not old codger enough to not know how to use the internet.
Also, i enjoy how you feel the need to correct everyone on thir grammar, like its your little skill to identify crappy grammer just to prove your intellect. I hope you enjoyed my fantastic grammer two – i took speshil kare.
Dick
jesus, thank god (yep i used them words) you didn’t mention how shit marmite actually is, and that the ‘weetbix kids are kiwi kids’ ad’s were a direct rip off of the australian ad. or how super cool bonus bonds actually are and that lion red is a well crafted lager of distinction. boy howdy those sorts of comments might get the odd rash reply, possibly calling into question your sexual preference and body morphology.
I think nogood has too much time on his hands to be talking shit about facts he has no idea about!!! The only thing thats shit is someone like this idiot who wastes time trying to piss people off with his ill informed bullshit =P Go get a fxcken job you homeless looking pedofiler. And stop wasting others time. Eat shit and die.
Bull shit! Kiwiana is great! Just because you don’t consider yourself a kiwi!
Buzzy Bee is total shit, as is Watties red sauce
Amy Davisson. hahahahahahaha
hehehehe i tapped that
I love that i want to fuck it
KIana CAURST
I looove her shes damn hot
MY GF IS A MAN
My Girl friend is way more of a man she has 2 penises!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fucking stupid NZ’ers that haven’t traveled. I’ll spell it out for ya.THIS COUNTRY IS SHIT. The people here are more patriotically arrogant than the US. Hey, if you like doing nothing in the weekend but eating fush & chups and going to the beach, have at it. But don’t sit there and say this is God’s country and we have it better than everyone else. Truth is, we don’t. No, honestly, WE DON’T. This country is a dump.
WOW that was intense! Dont know where youve been in the world but id love to go there so please tell me? sure we are patriotic but so is everyone… i just drove to the shops today in Chiang Mai and saw about a million Thai flags, seen it in every other place ive been too. You wanna go to a dump then go to India… that place made me realise how flippn awesome we have it in NZ. Yeah other places are awesome but it doesn’t make us shit dude… i hope you dont come home, as for me, I have 5 weeks to go and I can’t wait to get there. Please give me a list of better places so I can bum you out
Yeah compare yourself to India like that is the ultimate benchmark.
Among developed countries nz is shite if you can even call it developed.
fucking stupid NZ’ers??? wtf are u on. where the fuck do u come from. more arrogant than US. at least wer not fat, carry guns or full or prositutes. and btw is fish ‘n’ chips . our country a dump? yeah youngest country on earth. anyway where are you from?
Agree!!!
the us have to have HELP walking!!!!! do you really want to be like that?
Hahahahaha that’s rich. You must’ve avoided a lot of countries if your set on believing that NZ is at the bottom of the heap. We are in the top %3 of richest countries in the world – that means we have no intense poverty, no huge AIDS and malaria death rates, most of us have roofs over our heads; we have one of the ‘green’est countries inthe world, with reltaively no poulllution in comparison to places such as Japan, we have so so many opportunities that millions, possibly even billions of people couldnt even dream – get your head out of the sand. As for the kiwiana and patriotism – so what is people think it’s lame, or if it’s not genuine! if kiwiana icons can bring communities together, then its awesome; if you think its stupid, fine, but let people enjoy it as a sense of heritage. p.s. you make me sick, get some education – and stop generalising your view of New Zealanders so a small group of poeple. Every country has lower decile groups; just so happens that you seem to have experienced a large % of them.
Boringggg
hokey pokey ice cream and LP are at the very bottom of the things id get from a crappy, ripoff 4square.
Watties tomato sauce is meh.
Umm excuse me, but us kiwis do buy hokey pokey from 4 square and watties spaggeti is the best (i know this because itv was on the show “target”, which gets 3 brands of food and sees which one is best.)
and we have watties sauce in our pantry all, the time and if we dont we have to go without . we never EVER use crap brands like greggs and masterfoods, and i had a buzzybee toy when i was little and i loved it. so there. Oh and we never take any crap from aussies or americans or any other country that doubts us.
Well, if it was on a quality TV show such as Target, then I take it all back.
yeah true it is mainly nostalgia but its all good bro. maybe you just grew up in a f**ked up, up yourself family that thought they were too good for watties. f**k i hated those families growing up cos getting fish and chips at their house was the worst. buzzy bees are crap and sure i dont eat hokey pokey every day but i do like it and i do buy it. i think its a normal thing for people to like their local crap food no matter what country theyre from. your articles are funny bro but a crack at watties is a crack below the belt… sounds like you spent too much time away from home. when i get back im gunna DRIVE down to the beach with some decent fish and chips and some watties (which i genuinely love and hate living without) and a can of l&p. yeah
WHATEVER!!!
lots of people eat hokey pokey icecream and enjoy it. 4 squares actually a good convenient store. watties tomato sauce DOESNT taste like BUBBLEGUM WTF???? and i certinetly doesnt come from AUSSIE!! the buzzy bee isnt “a shit toy” it a good toy and lots of kids enjoy it.
so SHUTUP ur just a retard hu sucks shit
It’s true. I do suck a lot of shit. It’s good for washing the taste of bubblegum out of my mouth.
you must have no life what so ever i mean to send so many post about how much you hat your country selwyn you must be one of those nerds who just live in their own room and sit there all day getting fat you must be retard so dont diss NZ cause your life is a fucking dump and is gay
wtf r u on craig u tard
You’ve got me there, Craigus. I really do ‘hat’ my own country.
Oh yeah and Watties spaghetti is pretty bland and crappy compared to what you can get overseas.
LOL Actually I quite like Hokey Pokey ice cream. Although I’m not much of an Ice cream eater anymore.
You’re right though, the Buzzy bee is a joke and ‘Kiwiana’ is a hoax. They might bring back good nostalgic memories for people but really they’re living in the past.
The biggest joke is this talk of bringing back Georgie pie. I can’t help but laugh at people under 25 saying how they were ‘the best pies ever’. Give me a break, I was 17-18 when they folded and I remember those bland pies being seen as pretty much a joke.
There’s this myth about corporate raiding by McDonalds and abandonment. But the truth is that they didn’t get the sales they wanted outside of Auckland, they weren’t worth it once they went up by 50c and the younger generations had outgrown it.
What next? people extolling the kiwiana delicacy known as pineapple lumps?
A few of my American friends do extol the virtues of the yellowed lump. I send them enough. It perplexes me but I guess they don’t have anything similar.
Are you serious?
Are you sure they aren’t taking the piss?
Pineapple lumps and Banana lumps are terrible, a lump of flavoured processed sugar coated in pretty low grade Chocolate, kind of looks bad next to Hershey bars and Baby Ruth’s LOL.
oi leave it out – what did the lump ever do to you? If you don’t like them – don’t eat them, but just because others get cravings for the wee guy, don’t scoff. I found the Lumps at a market in Sydney, and did back flips – my work mates thought I was strange, until they tried them, I have converted 5 new lump lovers. Long Live the ‘Napple Lump!!
Hokey pokey from the Four Square Aro FTW
Larissa. Irony. Hole in one there bro.
Watties T sauce does taste like acetic acid and sugar, if not quite bubble gum. Made by Heinz, but their own product is vastly more complex and – superior. Why else does every half flash chef add it to their pasta sauce? Don’t try it with Watties!
Ikea is just more cheap shit, too. Definitely need one in Auckland, then.
Buzzy Bee – look, leave it alone will you? My kids love GTA and they are cooperative, intelligent, well informed and can spell.
Only murderers here are those who spell “Buzzee Bee” and “capitolising”.
If you are talking about the building in Washington DC, maybe that word should have a capital letter? Or if you mean the soon to be obsolete monetary theory, you’d mean capitalising.
Have fun kids, play nice
I eat hokey pokey icecream, I love watties tomato sauce and playing with a buzzee bee is a lot better than enjoying a game that helps develop murderers in this world.