France exacts it's revenge on doves and rainbows
Hating the French has become so easy, so popular worldwide, it’s almost an Olympic sport. After all, what have they really contributed to civilisation? The White Flag, and women with hairy armpits? Cheers, mate.
But New Zealand, rather unusually for an such an unassuming pair of islands on the opposite side of the planet, has had it’s own unique, and particularly troubled history with the land of stripey-shirted, garlic-around-the-neck, pontificating troubadours.
The dilemma of this longstanding diplomatic frisson, however, is that 90% of middle-class New Zealand is desperately in love with anything French, and harbour private dreams of one day retiring to the south of France to welcome death, slowly, on a diet of soft cheese and unpredictable red wine.
The relationship between the two countries had been souring slowly, like creme-fraiche, throughout the 1970s and 80s, due to France’s fondness for blowing up pacific islands with nuclear bombs. But events reached a head in 1985, when the French government sent two spies to New Zealand to sink Greenpeace’s flagship vessel, the Rainbow Warrior, while it was docked in Auckland harbour, killing (albeit, unintentionally) one of the boat’s crew.
Although the boat’s moniker could well describe an evil character in the ‘My Little Pony’ series, it was actually christened in honour of the first openly gay WWF Wrestler of the same name.
The bombing of the boat was ordered by the French president, Francois Mitterand, after years of Greenpeace sailing it around the French atolls of the South Pacific, bringing unwelcome attention to both their aforementioned nuclear testing programme, as well as their secret experiments to genetically engineer a frog with horse-sized hind legs.
The agents who sunk the boat would probably have gotten away with it too, had it not been for the curious interest New Zealanders took in them as they built a cover story pretending to holiday around the country. “So, where are you from?”, “Are you having a great holiday,” and “Isn’t it beautiful here?”, they were questioned by every Kiwi they met (naturally seeking continued reassurance about New Zealand’s appeal & place in the world). When the police later put out an APB for eyewitnesses to a ‘suspicious French couple’, they were flooded with calls.
An international scandal ensued; NZ prosecuted the two spies, and, after much diplomatic wrangling, tit-for-tat, sanctions and political head-rolling, they were eventually imprisoned on a lovely island resort in the Pacific.
Through the late 1980s and 1990s, however, New Zealand’s relationship with France warmed. This is largely attributed to the release of Peter Mayall’s book, “A Year in Provence”, which became required reading and dinner party conversation in the chattering-class suburbs of Parnell, Kandallah and Fendleton. Lacking confidence in New Zealand’s own sense of identity, Kiwis embraced the French ‘joie to vivre’, hoping that a little style from a country which is, let’s face it, so steeped in culture you can smell it from England, might rub off on us.
During this period, much of New Zealand progressed from a nation of beer-swilling bogans to wine-quaffing urbanites. Roast beef was superseded in popularity by boeuf bourguignon. And the most sure fire way to become the envy of friends and neighbours was spending thousands of dollars furnishing your living room with the kind of discarded french junk that can be picked up in any 2nd-hand-store on the outskirts of Paris for less than 10 euros.
However, in 1999, the dark garlic cloud returned, when the All Blacks were unceremoniously, and unexpectedly, knocked out of the Rugby World Cup semi-finals by France. 8 years later, at the 2007 World Cup – in an almost biblical repeat of history – the same thing happened again.
The nation thereafter entered a long and subdued period of shame and mourning. To this day, rugby fans are still unable to look at themselves in an ornate, gilded French mirror.
Even as recently as 2009, the delicate Franco-Aotearoa accord was again tested, when the (appropriately named) French rugby player, Matheiu Bastareaud, lied about being beaten up by a gang of Polynesians on the streets of Wellington. It was exposed as a cover-up engineered by the coach, and even going as high as the French Rugby Union itself, to mask a fight between two French players over a pain-au-chocolat.
Perhaps, in concocting the story, they simply hadn’t anticipated the level of guilt for the incident that the New Zealand public immediately assumed, and concern over any potential tarnishing of our reputation as a ‘nice, friendly sort of place’. They probably figured, quite correctly, that the rest of the world would neither a) notice, nor b) give a shit, about such a minor item of news in this far-flung corner of the world. They almost certainly wouldn’t have expected the prime minister to publicly apologise for what was a fabricated, but otherwise quite common, Saturday night street brawl.
By the time they eventually recanted their story, however, they we’re so deep in sheep dip that even a return apology from the French prime minister did little to appease the angry mobs in NZ baying for (oh-so magically low in cholesterol) French blood.
So while French markets are still wildly popular in many New Zealand suburbs, antique shops continue charging the cost of a black-market organ for 2nd hand French tat, and groups of retired baby-boomers make yearly pilgrimages to Provence to blow their children’s house deposit money on foie gras and Chateauneuf du Pape, underneath it all there exists in New Zealand a barely concealed Francophobia.
It is enough to make even the most toothless, Freedom-Fries-munching, Alabama redneck pick up his banjo in shame, and strum along to the chorus of ‘La Marseillaise’.
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why “love to hate”? its a little weird
just a correction to one of the comments, it was a protuguese-dutch photographer who died in the bombing, not a nz national. the planning, at night and at shore, was to avoid any casualties, imagine what would have happened on high seas?!
however, completely dumb! (lack of words here to describe the dumbness of the action!)
for most younger french (35 and under) this is quite unknown history and simply non understandable, you bet the french government didn’t advertise their actions in our history books… we usually get our attention on it while planning a trip down under (nz and/or aus) or the truly rugby enthusiastic.
i believe there’s a lot of truth in some of your bashing, i still believe we don’t get as bad publicity as the english would, or should i say ‘it is already an international bashing sport’ so nothing new :0)
can someone explain to me that mad urge to decorate your living room ‘french country style’, same here in Aus…?? in which part of france do they find those ‘shabby chic white cabinets’??? with such a price tag, i should have been an antiquarian or some shabby french specialist stuff
but come on, we both love the rugby, the frogs are never playing as good as when it’s against the mighty ABs, so thanks for that! and sorry for those little upsets on the way, you got your cup after all
Mururoa is French territory.
It is 5000 kms away.
hardly New zealand’s backyard.
Read the intro https://kiwianarama.co.nz/le-country-we-love-to-hate/
This comment was originally posted on
Funny, I thought you all hated the British, I’ve never heard a kiwi openly slagging off the French as a nation, but if I had a dollar for every unprovoked attack on the British, well I wouldn’t be here for a start.
We are equal opportunity xenophobes. We’re quite happy to hate anyone who isn’t Kiwi. And many who are.
Oh, it’s not the British we hate. It’s the English.
Very funny indeed… and I am French *
Just 2 corrections and an “addendum” maybe.
a) Although I agree that blowing up the Rainbow Warrior was both tragic and stupid, the French agents were eventually transferred to the atoll of Hao which, as far as I know, is a tiny speck of a dreary military base and definitely no resort. On the other hand I don’t think they stayed there very long and definitely not as long as was first accepted by the New Zealand government.
b) Come on guys. You know you’ve got the greatest rugby team and tradition on Earth. Look at yourselves in the mirror, pat yourselves on the back and don’t forget that the 2007 “débacle” was due to a ball that was blatantly knocked forward. Guys, you’re the best !
…but we did beat you fairly in 1999 (Et il est où ? Et il est où ? Et il est où ? Jonah Lomu ? La la la la la la…).
c) Don’t forget that NZ for all its friendliness and apparent neutrality also has a record of meddling into other nations’ internal affairs. Two words : Nouvelle Calédonie. You may honestly have no idea what I’m talking about but if you root around you just might end up getting my point.
Amicalement,
Yann.
Hmmm I dunno if ‘medding’ in some internal affairs and the bombing and murder of a NZ national can be put in the same argument… the spies who were respnsible for that shoyuld have gone to jail for murder, shame on the French government for that.
Meddling in New Caledonia? Seriously? The worst New Zealand has done is *not* prevent independence activists from visiting our shores. Considering those activists are only fighting for what New Zealand troops sought to guarantee for France in 1916, I don’t think we’ve got anything to apologise for.
The French did do us a great service with the Rainbow Warrior affair though. They proved we’ve got nothing to worry about when it comes to the DGSE – your agents are so incompetent they were caught by forestry workers in Northland. They thought they could trick the car rental people by saying they we’re Swiss… sadly the counter girl had lived in Switzerland and knew their French wasn’t with a Swiss accent. DGSE = amateurs.
Hi !
I’m sorry if my post shocked you but I guess it’s also because I was too elusive. It’s true I said that if you “rooted around” you might find out what I was talking about but after trying to do so myself on the Internet I came to the conclusion that it’s just “not there”.
The “it” refers to NZ’s implication in inciting the Kanak people from New Caledonia to rebel against French authority. If you don’t remember it there were very troubled times there in the 80s.
I’m not going to argue about whether the Kanak people were justified in rebelling or not, that’s not my point.
My point remains that a state shouldn’t meddle in another state’s business. They all do of course but if you think the Rainbow Warrior business was wrong (and it absolutely, totally WAS, and the agents should certainly have been punished more harshly, though not as harshly as their superiors and particularly the politicians in charge at the time) well then you will agree that NZ shouldn’t have incited people to “take up arms” in the 80s.
Still doesn’t compare ? well if you do need dead people for something to be important, you will find ample information about that on the web : people got killed by the French police and by independence fighters.
Final point : how do I know ? I know because my dad was a local reporter there at the time and he nearly got killed… I guess that’s also why I’m a bit emotional about it. You don’t have to believe me but I believe him.
I’ll understand that my answer lacks actual evidence but as I have none to offer but my word if you don’t believe me please don’t answer this post. Unless you have proof NZ never did anything wrong…
We live in a world that’s both beautiful and messy. Let’s try and make it better. Let’s talk and not fight.
Have a nice day !
“Unless you have proof NZ never did anything wrong… ”
Err, unless you have proof New Zealand did anything. Seriously, I can’t find anything that says New Zealand was involved in any international reports or newspapers. Not even a jot in Le Monde Diplomatique. How strange.
Don’t give me this “the truth is out there” line. The truth is New Zealand had virtually no involvement in New Caledonia’s independence movement.
Thank you for your certainty…
Have a nice day.
“My point remains that a state shouldn’t meddle in another state’s business.”
What, like the French meddling in the affairs of the Kanak people? Or blowing up Polynesian atolls? Or killing thousands of Algerians?
I agree we shouldn’t meddle. We should have stayed out of WW1 – Why Great Granddad went to France for to get shot to pieces at all beats me.
The Bastard lying Bastareaud made it all the way to most sports sections of daily tabloids in the UK. It was quite a large story all round and caused a 22% drop in tourism from Europe for a week or so.
I note with interest that All Blacks/French Rugby associated paragraphs make up nearly 33% of your article, thus, re-enforcing the fact that Rugby is by far the most important aspect of life in NZ.
Yeah, I was going to mention the nuclear bomb tests too. But I was ROTFLMAO.
“They probably figured, quite correctly, that the rest of the world would neither a) notice, nor b) give a shit, about such a minor item of news in this far-flung corner of the world.”
Prior to the Rainbow Warrior bombing, there was a bit of NZ/French frisson due to France’s nuclear bomb tests at Muroroa Atoll.
I stand corrected, and have updated the article to keep it inline with my strict blog policy of factual correctness…
