Talking About House Prices

A graph demonstrating actual house science

New Zealanders fall into one (occasionally two) of following three states of being; “Thinking about buying a house”, “Buying (then paying off) a house”, or “Trying the sell a house”.  Anybody who doesn’t identify with at least one of these categories is probably either an asylum seeker, or a tourist.

And while it is possible that they may just be on the dole, that category is not mutually exclusive as, with enough children, even beneficiaries can afford to get on the property ladder in New Zealand.

All of which means that the most popular Kiwi topic of conversation – at dinner parties, water coolers and primary school gates – by a long, and oh-so tedious mile, is the price of houses.

But why all this brouhaha over a bunch of bricks and mortar (or, as is often the case, rotting timber and PVC sheeting)?

To begin with, there is a limited range of investment opportunities in New Zealand. The NZX40 so named because there are, quite literally, 40 companies in the whole of New Zealand.  Besides which, Kiwis are generally uncomfortable about taking a punt on the stock market, being creatures who are naturally distrustful of large corporations, governments, foreigners, rodents and domestic pets.

So for many years now, New Zealanders have instead been betting their retirement savings on the perceived value of a ‘quarter acre piece of paradise’.  Even if the cost of owning said slice of Godzone is roughly 6 times the average salary, with an interest rate that would give Sir Rob Muldoon an erection.

Added to this is the very real fact that, in quiet, unassuming little ol’ NZ, not a lot of note actually happens. The network news channels struggle to pad out their nightly broadcasts with stories about cats playing the piano, school-boy rugby brawls, and long, painfully-detailed weather reports, such that when the rugby season is, at long last, over, there is really f**k all else to talk about.

Therefore, at your next social engagement (ie; BBQ, post-netball drinks, or friendly gathering of the neighbours around a taped-off crime scene),  follow these useful tips, which should help you avoid getting into any arguments, or making anyone cry, when the conversation inevitably turns to that most popular Kiwi topic of ‘The Price of Houses’;

• Blithely commenting how ’10 years ago, Herne Bay was all we could afford on our meagre budget, and now it’s worth…” will probably earn you a smack in the mouth, before you even reach the actual figure.
• Reminding someone that ‘at least the capital gains on their leaky building has covered the cost of repairing it’ is not helpful. It is, in fact, the opposite of helpful.
• Nobody is interested in your predictions of when the market will ‘bottom out’. New Zealand already has a ratio of 1 property expert to every 5 people. It does not need any more.
• Remarking that you ‘don’t know what everyone is talking about, Auckland houses are cheap’ because you have recently sold up and moved here from London or New York is culturally insensitive, and slightly racist.
• Loudly stating that ‘If I sold my Grey Lynn apartment and moved to Invercargill, I could afford an 8 bedroom mansion” will make your friends wish you bloody well hurried up and did.
• If more than 50% of the men are wearing ties, for God’s sake don’t mention Capital Gains Tax. However, if more than 50% of the women are wearing comfortable shoes, just agree with a tax on everything.