I’m opening up the floor here. I may regret it.
Submit your shit in the comments below. Feel free to comment on other people’s shit. If it’s funny enough, I may even nick it for the main site.
But not if its, well… shit.
The alternative Kiwipedia
I have been admitted into a Doctoral Program of University of Auckland. After a few weeks, I realised that this Uni culture is nothing but bullshit. The department that I entered is full of dirty politics because there is huge intellectual gap between native and international faculties. More importantly, gender politics is very high, particularly, a group incompetence female lecturers force PhD students to choose their supervisors from the group. There are rules and regulations in that university, but all are in theory. They will ask you feedback and expect you to say only positive things. I strongly suggest not to go to NZ, particularly, university of Auckland for research. Fortunately, I left that uni after 2 months because it is quite hard to work with a stupid and incompetent supervisor.
Oh what a gem this website is! Feeling absolutely wonderful reading all these comments!
So I’m gonna write about Auckland particularly.
Where should I start, I spend $33000 on my Psyche Postgrad in Massey but the quality of education was absolutely shit!!!!!! Took 8 papers but all of them had block courses. That means you only get a week of class for per paper. What the fuck is that? Did I spend that much money just for 40 classes where they give you nothing just some URL and references so that you can study at home all by yourself???? Man come on! This is a freaking PSYCHOLOGY paper and I needed o know how people of this country interact with each other how they talk etc etc in order to know psychology of Kiwi people! I studied counselling psychology from my own country but for the fucking NZ system I can not register here as a psychologist. I would wonder while the class used to go on and the teachers would talk some bullshit that how these Kiwi psyche studies who’s gonna be psychologists later on gonna help people with their mental health problem! They might be good at critical thinking but absolutely shit in handling practical everyday life mental health related stuff. I won’s say it’s their fault but the university programme is designed in a way that doesn’t teach you anything but browsing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And another thing, Massey should inform their international students in advance that what a block course means.
That was the uni part. There some some other things I need to talk about in order to clear up my anger, The housing system is a complete shit. It is freaking COLD!!!!!!!! You need to rich in order to afford warmth. If you are a student and have low income, then go fuck yourself- warmth is not for you!
Everything is very price. Bus fares are like taxi fares! Haha.
So my advice is, if you wanna come to NZ, just do your homework real good and then decide. Do not come for block courses if you are coming to the uni. Also, I suggest not to come to Auckland as lifestyle here is freaking expensive and traffic is shit here. Try somewhere else.
AS a white 3rd gen kiwi , i here/ see alot of very true comments here ,about my /our country ,it”s sad that”s, it ” s true , and the WHOLE world is up shi.. creek TOO.
Could not agree more with everything you say. It’s a complete shit hole. Freezing winters and no house has any decent form of heating. The people are backward and inbred, and not particularly friendly or helpful. There’s nothing up-beat about the place. They portray this cool, vibrant, sunny, hip and trendy place, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Such a boring place,a nd the beaches suck. Very good at marketing their own bullshit. The ‘natives’ also have a huge chip on their shoulders and can only think about rugby. No wonder they all leave for Australia which is far more superior in every shape and form. Captain Cook soon buggered off in favour of finding Australia. It’s simple, do not fall prey to the NZ disease!
It infuriates me that people keep saying “Clean, green NZ”, and then because they say it, they believe it. We always have had an appalling environmental record, even before european settlement (extinction of moas, canterbury deforested), and we still have. Every drinking water supply in NZ is polluted with nitrates and phosphates from farming. This was bad even in the 1970s, and is much worse since dairy conversions became popular. Our rubbish disposal still consists of a hole in the ground or worse. Recycling is a joke. We keep on using pesticides and chemicals long after they were banned everywhere else e.g. we kept on making 2,4,5-T until 1987, we only stopped using DDT in 1989, we banned endosulphan in 2008 and we still use 2,4-D. Same story with chrome plating: we are happy to keep on using the old system with chromate baths, which endangers the health of the plating shop workers. The europeans banned it some years ago. If we are going to say clean and green, then we have to make some effort to live up to it. All we do is we write useless reports and make meaningless gestures, such as banning nuclear weapons.
I agree absolutely. When I came to NZ in the 1970s my parents went for a picnic beside a river and I paddled in the water and came out with a rash on my legs.
From that day on I knew that it wasn’t a clean green country. My dad pointed out fizzy drink made in this country contained cyclamates after they had been banned in other countries and later on I learned that Depot Provera the contraceptive injection made by drug company Eli Lilly was being used on NZ women before any other country permitted its use. It was 20 years before other countries allowed its use on women. At some point NZ researchers did a study and found it had reduced bone-density in young New Zealand women. There are so many things in this country that are not clean and green but it seems our dairy industry and other industries take priority over the environment.
I’m over New Zealand because there is too much slackness regarding important issues like animal welfare, human health, and environmental toxicology.
I am really lucky to find this website. Absolutely this country is a piece of crap. i went to Victoria university for postgraduate diploma and it was a useless year. they teach you nothing. Besides, the whole country is pretty poor. No jobs. even you can’t find a decent part time job. I have seen and heard many people all of them citizens leave nz for Australia. I visited Australia for a couple of weeks and I can see the obvious difference between a shit place like NZ and a nice well educated people like Australia. I honestly recommend any student or investor to do their good home work before coming or investing in new zeal and. honest advice Be So Careful. Thank you for the one who came up with this website. Without these types of websites, people won’t know what type of shit is NZ.
Thanks for this website and shit is a totally appropriate word for New Zealand. There’s no country in the world where its population uses the word shit more than by New Zealanders. “How’s shit with you today”? “I really have to get my shit together” “Everything’s turning to shit” “You puffed-up little Shit”! “What’s up with that shit”? “Watch out because the shit’s really going to hit the fan” “Don’t give me any of your shit!” “Can’t believe that shit” “Shit happens” “No shit Sherlock” and “I got some really good shit” (usually means drugs) and so on. Just in case anyone is interested I thought it’s time I wrote a bit more shit about New Zealand because of the shit that’s happened recently. Shit is also the best word for New Zealanders to use because it’s tough-sounding and to live here you must have a ‘take-no-shit’ attitude. You probably heard of the axe murder that happened in Upper Hutt last week in the place I call Shit Valley where a well known druggie-bum drug-dealer went with an axe and his ‘take no shit’ attitude and killed a lady and injured her son. Local people suspect it was a drug-money collection thing which got a bit ugly but Police are not saying anything and the victims have name suppression. So in the words of a New Zealander I have to say I can’t take this shit anymore and it’s time to get my shit together and get the hell outta here !!
What’s up, all the time i used to check web site posts here early in the dawn, since i enjoy to find out more and more.
I love this website. it is definitely a crap country. I went to a small uni. in the south island called Lincoln university and it is really bad. nothing to learn there. they call it land based research uni. I won’t recommend this uni. to anyone. all there professors or lecturers know nothing. I found international students from England and Austria and Germany know more than the professors and lecturer at this university. Also, best advice is do not waste your money their tuition fees are very high for nothing really. and it is way better to go for education in USA much much much better than NZ. Please check my information before putting your money down in the drain. all the comments above are 100% true.
Lincoln started as a small agricultural college which now calls itself a university and same for Massey which has become very big and crap in everything but agriculture. They have useless degrees which aren’t recognized by anyone and you’re forced to pay for papers that have nothing to do with your degree. In areas of health or nursing you have to pay for papers that cover Treaty of Waitangi and Maori Tikanga which is Maori culture, protocols, etiquette and Cultural Safety so that you know how to treat a Maori in society or within the health system. What is blatantly racist is that Cultural Safety doesn’t apply to any other person of a different culture who may be treated in a New Zealand hospital, it only applies to Maori, and we often hear the term ‘bi-cultural’ which is bullshit because NZ is multicultural. Maori politicians and radical maori who are in positions of power want NZ to be bi-lingual and are forcing Maori language on to everyone whether it’s in schools or workplaces and especially if you find yourself at Work and Income the seminars will be delivered in English with Maori words or phrases thrown in. Their attitude is “Learn to speak Maori” or else you won’t understand what’s going-on and usually the tutor is a tattooed Maori and what gets me is their salary is paid by the NZ taxpayer and the seminars are funded by NZ government for all New Zealanders to attend. They also tell you that certain jobs can only be applied for if you have Maori ancestry and again that’s wrong because Work and Income centres are funded by the NZ government for assisting everyone to find work not just Maori.
Having studied at a few New Zealand universities I feel I have enough experience to say the tertiary education is not of a good standard and in many cases breaches minimum standards of higher education. A Linguistics professor in Christchurch was asked about pronunciation of the word ‘advertisement’ which according to her can only be pronounced advert- iss-ment and when a student mentioned it has been pronounced advert-ize-ment the lecturer scoffed and said that would only be some ignorant foreigner. She then went on to say we should not have snobbery about accents or dialects because language study is descriptive not prescriptive but later on said she was worried about her son who had visited London and picked up a Cockney accent and she hoped that it would soon wear-off because it was not desirable. Another example is a paper at Massey University 250.131 Health Studies where they furnished students with some printed material which had no author’s name or a referencing source and this was to be read and used for their essays. One article stated “Maori are poor and underprivileged and live in sub-standard housing on the edges of motorways”. As an ESOL tutor I found this to be biased and inaccurate because it’s the refugees who live in the worst New Zealand housing as well as the Pacific Islanders who migrate here for work. Maori people I have met are usually middle-class educated types or working-class with adequate housing and others who know how to use the system and claim all their entitlements. One Maori couple who were gang-affiliated both claiming Domestic Purposes Benefits while they co-habited and their children were cared for by grandparents. This couple ran two V8 cars and bought huge amounts of groceries as well as alcohol, tobacco, and cannabis. They lived in a nice comfortable apartment and they are probably what you would call the under-class of NZ society. When Massey university was asked where this educational material came from
there was no reply forthcoming but students were expected to answer the statements correctly about Maori poverty or else not receive a grade.
Forgot to mention that mythical thing, kiwi ingenuity. Who the fuck come up with that one? Most of them walk around barefoot because they’re to useless to tie their shoe laces. Ingenious? Spare me please, if NZ never existed all the world would be short of is the electric fence and pavlova’s, both of which were probably stolen ideas anyway!
Goodbye New Zealand
I’m not sorry to leave your Maori-owned shores
Your algae-infected waters
Your sandfly-infested land
Your oceans of sewage
Your houses of mould
I won’t miss your country that stinks of decay
I won’t miss the smell of cowshit or the bullshit
I won’t miss your people so proud of themselves
I won’t miss the rugby or fights on the streets
I won’t miss your violence arrogance ignorance
Prejudice, discriminating, hating of me
and those like me
and all those who visit you
Your nation is cursed with poverty and misery
Aotearoa land of a long white cloud and a long history of grief
I hope I never see your ugly tattooed face again in this life
Congrats on your escape, will join you on the other side!
Yes, I’ll join you on the other side of the ditch, in Australia, where pretty much anyone can get a job unlike New Zealand where you can’t get a job cleaning toilets unless you have New Zealand experience in cleaning toilets and have knowledge of Treaty of Waitangi and Maori culture and New Zealand Cultural Safety just in case a Maori wants to use the toilet !!
Been in this armpit of a country for 7 years, lived in the south island and the north and I’m sick to death of the gormless narrow minded brain donors who proudly call themselves kiwi’s. I’m sick of their lousy driving, their shed like houses, their god awful dress sense, their cliquey little groups, their over priced goods and services, their deluded view of themselves, their ignorance, their stupid inbred wrinkled faces.
Not to mention the pitiful advertising, morons shouting at you and telling you how great their deals are, that f**king accent with the vowels all mixed up, the endless hype followed by ………..not a lot. A fire service, coast guard and ambulance service operated by amateurs (often very badly).
Employers who treat you like you’re there property, pitiful wages, lousy conditions etc etc etc.
Take away the scenery and the climate and you’ve got precisely NOTHING!
I’m counting the days until I get out of this living purgatory.
Come to think of it maybe the plane crashed on the way here and I AM in purgatory!
I absolutely agree with everything being said here about crap wages and working conditions and there are no laws to protect NZ workers and no unions. After being a solo-mum I was forced to accept a fulltime job offered by WINZ which was underpaid work but the employer was paid a subsidy to take on jobseekers. The wage was $8 an hour to be ‘Customer Services and Marketing Officer’ whereas I’d previously been getting $11 an hour for Telemarketing. There was no hot water in the building or heating of any kind and the Production Chemist would come up from the factory and mix his chemicals in the staff tea-room and leave orange powder all over the kettle. The Hungarian soap-maker had returned to Hungary so I had to make all sorts of excuses and then after I had increased general product sales the Sales Manager told us we had no more products because the company had run out of money to buy chemicals.
Oh where, where do I begin? I love the comments here. NZ has breath-taking scenery and opportunity to enjoy adventure sports but watch out for the Sandflies. Other than scenery the people and politics are shit. Universities rip you off with bullshit degrees and useless papers. When you get a degree there are no jobs or the jobs that are going nobody has the skills for them. In particular Health jobs, Administration, Science, and IT. People are small-minded full of ignorance and prejudice. Getting sarcasm or abuse for your appearance or your accent is not conducive to a happy life. They say “New Zealand Small but Great” well it could be great with better organisation, housing, health, education, and politics. Where is all the money going that we make in exports? Wines, dairy, beef, lamb, wool, fruit, thoroughbred race-horses and yet we can’t look after the health of kids or assist people to have dental treatment. As a Swedish documentary showed our kids have diseases that Europe eradicated 50 years ago. Australia gives its people free medical care and protects casual workers with higher wages plus healthy food like veges are subsidized. WTF is wrong with New Zealand? I give all the credit to that person on an ex-pat website who called New Zealanders “Moo Fuckedlanders”. All that milk must have damaged their brains !
New zealand is really a shit country. I went to university there called victoria university I swear in Nepal we have a better eductional system than in new zealand. Also, many people couldn’t find jobs and then they go to Aussie and Aussie got sick of them and their shit. I saw in new zealand kiwis with phd and master working dish washer security taxi drivers etc. And the other funny thing is that they rip off international students by telling them that nz has one of the best education system which is all BS. Some of the lecturers i know more than them. But i think internaiotnal students now are not idiots because the word of mouth Do not go to this country and waste your years and money useless country.
More New Zealand shit! Kapiti Coast is now having difficulty with its water supply due to objections from local Maori (Tangata Whenua) over taking any more water from the rivers. This applies particularly to Otaki and other towns on Kapiti Coast; Waikanae, Paraparaumu, and Raumati, and the problem has been worsened by increased urban settlement and horticulture in the area. Discussions and negotiations have been going on since 2008 between council, the rate-payers committee, and local Iwi, and nothing has yet been resolved so please don’t buy a house on Kapiti Coast!
ダウン ロング
The trouble is NZ is a little dog that thinks its a big one. And it has a great deal of problems, it would take endless time to tell you all but here are some of my observations of the years here, Bad schooling, bad health service, no public transport, badly build houses, low wages, expensive living costs, a government that doesn’t really give a crap about the people it should, and too frightened to say any that isn’t 100% politically correct for the so called indigenous people whom they pay out millions every year while the tax payers ie the poor people in Christchurch are still waiting to have their homes re-built. One of the highest rates per capita for child abuse, well the list goes on, Iv lived in many countries but never in one that treats its own so bad.
Born and breed in NZ now means nothing, why are we telling are children the importance of education so they can get qualified then leave for a better life!
While I’m on my soapbox I may as well comment on the Maori Land Claims the NZ government has already paid out billions to Maori tribes to redress the wrong-doings of 200 years ago. Maori are still not happy they want ownership of the foreshore, seabed, and all fishing rights. Not all the land sales were dishonest back in the 1800s the local chiefs were paid a good price for land. One example is Wairarapa where Maori enjoyed renting out land but eventually sold it so settlers could have small farms and the relationship between Pakeha and Maori has always been good and a historic plaque was erected in Queen Elizabeth Park, Masterton, to show their friendship. Not all New Zealand towns had a happy time of it and where there was confiscation of Maori land this particularly caused resentment. Other problems developed because Edward Gibbon Wakefield was a scoundrel and not only ripped-off NZ chiefs but duped and misled the poor settlers as well. Google his name and read about how he spent some time in British prisons for his crimes there. New Zealand Maori tribes were war-like and always fighting over land even before any Europeans had settled here and nobody ever dares to speak about how violent Maori raiding-parties killed many settlers in their homes. You won’t hear it in any New Zealand classroom. PM John Key probably doesn’t even read NZ history books he’s too busy reading his own personal bank statements. If you wish to know about Maori land wars and the British army being sent over to control crime go to libraries and read all the NZ history books you can. There’s a conspiracy to review and rewrite NZ history to make it more palatable and politically correct. However, as it says in books like The New Zealand Colonial Wars, fighting broke out after the signing of Treaty of Waitangi, and particularly Northland where Maori tribes defeated British troops and Maori warriors waved their own flags and claimed “Bring it on! Bring all the soldiers of the world, and we will fight them all, and we will never stop fighting for our land”! So if you don’t get a warm welcome when you visit Northland now you know the reason why and also why Maori people do their Hikoi land march in protest against the Treaty of Waitangi. So, personally, I keep asking why does New Zealand uphold such a document when it was what caused all the shit ??
Thanks Dave, I have to agree with you, about schooling and health, and lack of care in general for people which includes poor funding for schools. Back in Christchurch even before the big earthquake my son’s primary school was very dilapidated and he had an accident where he fell against a door and it gave way at the hinges causing him to fall down concrete steps and broke his arm. There was no school nurse, no sick bay, the teachers told him to suffer his pain until home-time and nobody from the school rang me to let me know. I had to take him to hospital where he had X-rays and confirmed a greenstick fracture. When I did my nut at the Headmaster he told me they don’t keep any pain-relief at school as the children should carry it in their schoolbags just in case. How bloody ridiculous! He then told me if I’m not happy about run-down school buildings then write a letter to the NZ government. Shit. More shit to deal with!
Been in nz for three months now, and I gotta say, this site should be required reading. Make it part of the immigration process. Meanwhile, as a Canadian I feel us Far Northerners and fellow winter-deniers should have a site this good. In which we discuss being everyone’s Last Resort country, and bears.
I think there definitely needs to be an article dedicated to the humble kiwi man shorts, more commonly known as stubbies.
Just a suggestion.
Why are ‘mixer taps’ considered bourgeois? Really, I want to wash-up out of one tap with warm water, not a sink with two separate taps, one with ice water, and one that will scald the skin off of my face. In the US, ‘mixer taps’ were introduced during Victorian times, and I don’t think even Kiwis can hold on to useless tradition that long. I friend of mine in Napier once asked a plumber to install a ‘mixer tap’, and he responded with a sense of disgust, saying “don’t you think that’s a little flash?”.
Wash with soap under the freezing tap until my skin is numb enough to withstand 5 seconds of scalding water to rinse it off. Clearly the sign of a highly advanced culture.
Yeah but New Zealanders haven’t discovered insulation yet either. So it’s reasonable to assume that mixer taps would simply be far to advanced for them as well.
Lets face it NZ is country permanently stuck in the 1970s, with only the occasional breakthrough into the 21st century. In some ways the country is stuck even further back in history than that.
But of course the scenery is nice.
nice report
I would LOVE to hear one of your amazing blogs on Student Flats… would make my day!!
Thanks for the idea. I think the problem (infestation might be a better word) of student flats is a global phenomenon.
Dunedin students, however, might be unique to New Zealand, god help us.
Woops that’s what I meant
Or even student culture in Dunedin. That could be good.
you fuckin fag
your a fag
I’ve searched this site and I can’t find an explanation for why there is so much marshmallow in everything. Please explain.
Oh and while you’re solving life’s mysteries, pray tell, is there ANYTHING the All Blacks won’t advertise?
I’m glad that you asked, Claire. As I write this, I am just tucking into a delicious roast chicken, stuffing, peas and marshmallow dinner. I don’t actually have an answer right now, but I will endeavor to find out the truth. I believe it has something to do with the powerful marshmallow cartels of the 1970s, which were operated out of the Auckland Easter Show by a very nasty and dangerous crime family, the McTibbins.
I find it hilarious that Kiwis just don’t understand how shit all Kiwiana is
And Kiwi music, thats a also a pile of shit. It should be compulsary for kiwis to live overseas, to actually get a grip on reality, rather than thinking NZ is the centre of the universe. why would you want to be known as a spastic bird that should go the way of the dodo, instead of a New Zealander.
There are some great things in NZ, just nothing to do with kiwis or the junk culture they are embracing.
Hmmm. But the Kiwi is such a good national emblem for New Zealand and represents the people in this country so well.
1. It is flightless, eg going nowhere.
2. It has a big nose (beak) that it uses to dig around in the dirt, just like the average New Zealander.
3. It is rare and is risking extinction
4. It needs to be looked after by the government in order to survive.
5. It sneaks around in the dark, eg it doesn’t like anyone to know what it is doing.
6. It lives in the middle of nowhere.
7. It has lousy eyesight and can’t see far ahead. eg it has no vision for the future.
Seems to me it represents the New Zealand people pretty well.
Very nice work Selwyn.
My suggestion is “Hearing ourselves mentioned in offshore television and/or film productions”. Rarely have I seen the kind of euphoric excitement on the faces of compatriots than when they are explaining the last time they heard New Zealand referenced in a big budget Hollywood film.
Thank you kindly Sir,
I feel like I may have touched on the topic, possibly in ‘Putting ourselves on the map’ – but it’s worth closer examination.
My all time favorite was when the air steward girlfriends on Perfect Strangers learned they would be flying to ‘Noo Zeeland’. I nearly wet myself. But then, I was only 8 years old.
Ah yes, very good.
There is noting quite like that shared glance (and accompanying huge grin) across the living room as and your flatmates all simultaneously think “holy shit, did they just say ‘New Zealand’ on CSI:New York?!”
I would like some comments on New Zealand music month.
You my friend are a funny, funny, man.
Thanks for the laughs!
Mr Nogood, this is quite possibly the best and funniest website on the internet, although I haven’t looked at all other websites on the internet so I can’t say for sure. So far it has delayed my current deadline at work by two days (and counting – I haven’t got through all the articles yet). Lucky I work for the (Australian) government, where deadlines don’t matter anyway.
So, how about an article on Hamilton – aka “City of Nothing”, aka “South Auckland”, aka “Mexico”? Since there’s nothing there and nothing ever happens there, this could be your greatest challenge: use your witty banter to raise this city from the ashes of its own non-existence – or obliterate it altogether; your choice.
Why thank you sir. I am highly susceptible to compliment.
Hamilton. What a topic. Where does one start? Begin with the industrial wastelands surrounding it, then gradually, and painfully, work your way in, I suppose.
Apparently, when Hamilton made the newspapers because the South African rugby team, deciding it was too boring, refused to train there, Palmerston North became upset. They felt the title to New Zealand’s (and perhaps the world’s) dullest city, as awarded by John Cleese, belonged rightfully to them.
Sad.
I always thought Hamilton was “HamilTRON:City of the Future” or did they fail to legally rename it?
This site is hilarious. It pretty much covers off every thought I have ever had about this fabulous country and it’s ‘quirks’. One addition I have though is the incessant need to call every NZ sports team something, why can’t it just be the New Zealand Cricket team (Black Caps)? That’s possibly ok but what about ice hockey (Ice Blacks really?! Come on!!.
Rant over.
Thanks for the comments and the suggestions, Charlotte.
Actually, you raise a very good point. Worth working into something.
Perhaps it’s something to do with identifying ourselves so closely with the colour black. But I agree with you that it often borders on the ridiculous, even school-yard, ie;
The badminton team = ‘The Black Cocks”
basket ball team = ‘the black balls” (maybe it was the lawn bowling team, or perhaps i just imagined it..)
As suggested.. thanks for the idea. S
https://kiwianarama.co.nz/sporting-black-humour/
Hey, Good Night Kiwi has a lot to share. I was the original work from home guy. It’s been a rocky road at times but I’m back.
Follow me @goodnitekiwi on Twitter.
I could do with a hook up selwyn. That would be sweet, aye. Choice.